Gradually, my son realized that nothing had changed, and that all three parents still cared about him. He soon understood that being different did not mean being disadvantaged At that point, at about age eight, he developed a certain pride about the situation, manifested in a need to test the realization. He sought every opportunity to call me “dad.” He asked me abundant, trivial questions--particularly in front of other people--all prefaced by “Dad?” And in a voice louder than required. He showed me off to his friends. He tactfully introduced me to his friend’s parents as “my visitor” then would tell his friends that I was his dad. His friends never seemed to bat an eye at it. For my son, what at first appeared to be a threat to security was now perceived, at some level, as added security.
Only one truly embarrassing situation occurred that I know of. While visiting with me, my son ("D"), then six, went to the park to play with two boys from the neighborhood One of the boys ("P") was older than my son. While they were gone, my son’s other dad called and said he would be dropping off some of D's clothes for him that we had forgotten to take. About an hour later, P came running up to my door, with my son right behind him. They were out of breath. P looked terrified I thought something horrible must have occurred.
“A man tried to kidnap D!" P shouted. "He drove up to the park and told D to get in the car and D started to walk over there but I grabbed him and we came running back here! Oh my God! Then the man started following us in the car and we were running for our lives! I think he’s still coming after us! Oh, no, there he is!” And P ran into my house. D and I followed him in. I was confused because D did not seem hurt or upset. Then I heard a knock and saw my son’s other dad at the screen door, holding a night bag. He had driven by the park and, seeing my son, stopped, gotten out of the car, and approached the boys. When he suggested D get in the car, P grabbed my son by the arm and screamed for him to run. P had been convinced that my son’s other dad was the kidnapping car-driver his parents and teachers had always warned him about. The poor kid. I think he was traumatized. We both assured P that he had done nothing wrong. My son’s custodial dad then dropped off the bag and left. P later asked me, “Who was that man?”
“That’s D's other dad,” I said.
“Oh,” he simply replied.
My son had not wanted to tell P that the man in the car was also his dad. Perhaps wrestling with some confusion or embarrassment of his own, he let P rescue him. Both dads assured P that he had done nothing wrong.
My son is now twelve. We have had conversions like the following:
“Dad, can we go to a Bluejackets game?”
“The tickets are expensive. Why don’t you get your dad to take you?”
“Dad doesn’t live in Columbus.”
“How about going to a football game?”
“Dad already took me to a football game. How about a Buckeye basketball game then?”
“All right.”
My son is not confused by this. Nor does he apparently want the situation some other way, as evidenced by the few times he has played the “real dad” card.
“Why should I do what you tell me to--you’re not my real dad!”
“Does that mean you are not my real son?" Each time, I have managed to get reinstated to "real-dad" status.
A later difficulty seemed to concern whether he was adopted.
“Why do I have to be adopted? I hate being adopted!”
“You're not adopted.“
“What do you mean I’m not adopted?“
“Adopted means you don’t get to visit your biological dad. But you visit me all the time.”
“You mean I’m not adopted?”
“No, you’re not adopted. You just have two dads. Most kids aren't that lucky.”
Granted, I have presented only one side of one story. And the jury is still deliberating our parenting verdict. But, in my view, whatever remnants of embarrassment or stigma remain, exist mainly in the eyes of others. Even this evaporates quickly upon seeing that my son and I have an otherwise normal and caring relationship. Legal custody, where practical, is really a threat to Americans’ image of living in a picket-fence world. If such custody arrangements were the only threat to society, I might re-evaluate my opinions and conclusions. But it’s not the only threat. Divorces, involuntary custody agreements, and single-parenthood are commonplace. Those relationships, and the effect on the children involved in them, are as positive or negative, as stable or unstable, as the people involved in them choose to make it. Although few want to hear it, the same is true for adoptive and conventional families.
