Waiting by the phone, excessively checking voice messages, finding out our best friend is pregnant yet again—this can take an emotional toll on waiting adoptive parents. Emotions can turn to anger if we don’t deal with them from the beginning. Naturally, a waiting adoptive parent doesn’t want to feel any more hurt. Most of us have gone through long months, even years, of infertility and repeatedly had our hopes tossed up and then down. We feel we’ve been treated unfairly. In this world of instant everything, why can’t we have our own child?
Most often, when we feel hurt, we look for a person, a thing, or a reason for our anger and depression. As our bodies react to the physiological feelings left by the anger and depression, we sink deeper, wondering how and why this has happened to us.
Anger is simply an emotion, neither right nor wrong as a whole. But unresolved anger can be harmful to your health, causing serious physical and mental health problems such as heart disease, stroke, anxiety and other chronic illnesses. Often, adoptive parents on the journey of adoption will let their anger come out in inappropriate ways, setting themselves up for repeated failure.
When our anger and depression overwhelm us, we often ask in despair, “Why me? Why has this happened to me? Why aren’t we moving toward being parents? We have more than most people and will be great parents! Why do we have to jump through all of these hoops to be parents? Why?”
Anger is an emotional response to perceived injustice. When we feel that we or someone else has been wronged, anger and depression can rise up to overwhelm us. Anger sometimes disguises itself. Often, instead of admitting that we are angry or depressed or feeling despair, we will admit to being frustrated or disappointed. Some of us will sugar coat the feelings and hide them with a smile as they are eating us up inside. Others of us become passive aggressive, blaming others, lashing out and living daily as a victim.
We see hurting people who normally would never behave this way react in the worst ways when under the pressure of infertility or adoption. They often lash out at the very people who are helping them adopt—birth parents, social workers, adoption attorneys, adoption coordinators or the court systems. Their hidden anger and despair often come out as sarcasm, criticism, and “freezing up.” These responses, as well as the anger itself, are secondary emotions to the real root issues.
Kelsey & Karl, both 38 years old, had been married 12 years and on their way to starting their adoption journey, when Kelsey’s father became ill and needed her help in his home. Her mother was already disabled, so now both parents would be homebound. Within weeks, Kelsey and her husband reluctantly moved in with her parents and took on the role of full time caretakers.
Kelsey was not fully aware of the many emotions she was experiencing, nor did she realize their source. Angered with her two older siblings for refusing to help, she begrudgingly became parent to her parents, as much as she would to needy newborns. Kelsey felt a deep sadness that no matter what she did for her parents, it would never be enough to help her parents become self-supporting and live independently again. She lashed out at her husband, blaming him for putting off adopting for so long. Her dream now seemed further away from her grasp, and she felt it might never come true.
Kelsey’s feelings were evidence of her underlying feelings of fear. She was afraid she would never have a life and family of her own, and her adoption was now on hold for what seemed an eternity. She felt that time was running out for them. Not until she found an experienced adoption counselor, did she begin to understand her feelings. She began to take back her life. She gained the ability to help herself and her parents find peace and balance in their life together. When they agreed to hire a full time in-home caretaker, Kelsey and Karl moved forward with their adoption. Kelsey’s anger left. Clarity and peace replaced her feelings of hopelessness.
