Carrie's Adoption Blog

My husband and I have been very fortunate to have supportive family members in our decision to foster and then later to adopt. This is especially true when it comes to our parents. They have been awesome grandparents to all of our foster, adoptive and birth children. This Sunday, September 7th, marks the 30th anniversary of Grandparent’s Day, a day to celebrate and honor the grandparents in our lives. With this in mind I have created several tips and ideas for other grandparents who may struggle with knowing how to be a grandparent to a foster or adopted child. This can be especially difficult for those grandparents who don’t agree with their child’s decision to become a foster and/or adoptive parent in the first place.

If you are a grandparent, what helped you in your relationship with the foster children in your life? Please share in the comments section of the blog.

• 10 Ways for a Grandparent to Welcome a Foster Child into the Family
• 15 Ways to Be a Grandparent to a Foster or Newly Adopted Child
• How to Support Your Child as a Foster Parent
• Adoption and Grandparents - How One Grandma Tries to Create a Connection

My daughter has a good friend named Caleb. He has been around our family for the past several years. A couple of years he started making observations about our family. He told my daughter on several occasions that she doesn't have any "real" brothers because hers are all adopted. I also heard these comments and asked him if since the boys aren't real, then am I their fake mom. He said, "Well, yeah. Kinda."

I didn't know how to address this with him. I then received What is Adoption? for review. I allowed Caleb to read it and asked him for his own quick review.

After spending several minutes reading, he brought the book back to my desk. "Caleb," I asked. "Has this book changed your mind and feelings on what a real family is and that Jordan's brothers are her brothers?"

His eyes widened, he nodded his head, and simply said, "Yeah."

He then handed me a note with his review that read:

"A great book to learn about friends who are adopted."

How can I give a stronger, more positive review than that?

_{Cover Art for What is Adoption? Helping non-adopted children understand adoption courtesy of Wisdom Press.}

It's amazing, what I remember. I remember most of my past foster children's birthdays, if not the absolute dates, the correct month. I just have a sense for dates and events. Probably why I enjoyed history classes in school. (I totally rocked Lost Civilizations class in college. Love. It.) So, it's no wonder that I also remember when I first met Pam.

I think I remember things, because I document almost every major event in my journal.

"Yesterday, August 28, 1995, I met my sister Pam for the first time. My first thought as she stood outside the door is that she is beautiful."

I may not remember the date of this event consciously, but somewhere inside, it is still there and my body reminds me. I often wonder how I'd be different today if I had a big sister, instead of being the big sister. Isn't that something some of us affected by adoption wonder?

Click "comments" below and share things you wonder about when you consider adoption and it's impact on your life and family.

Our first meeting that August evening in 1995, Chrissy, Charla, Pam, & Carrie.
Photo © Carrie Craft

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Suggested Reading:
Developmental Grieving - a definition
Adoption Reunion and the Adoptive Family
Before You Enter Into an Adoption Reunion for Birth Parents
Before You Enter Into an Adoption Reunion for the Adoptee
Before You Help Your Child Enter Into an Adoption Reunion for Adoptive Parents

My sons came to our foster home eight years ago today. We had no idea at that time how they were going to forever change our lives. We were just foster parents who answered the phone and accepted two kids, who needed a home. Our oldest son joined our home three months later.

One of the issues that we may need to watch for as foster and adoptive parents is developmental grieving or grief that is triggered by anniversaries. The year mark of Hurricane Katrina, which is coming up, may trigger reactions of grief in many people including young children. A child may not remember the events of that day but some where in his body he remembers the trauma of the Hurricane and having to be temporarily or permanently uprooted.

It is the same for our foster or adopted children. We may see behaviors on the anniversary of the move into state's custody, other traumatic events in the child's life, birthdays, or holidays. I wonder if this is why my youngest son, who is also the most sensitive, was a bit on edge with me tonight? It is something to think about.

To help the child cope try a few of these 8 ideas.

What have your done to help a child grieve? Click "comments" below and share your ideas.

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Suggested Reading:
Steps to Understanding Grief and Loss in Children
Top 10 Questions to Ask When Called to take a Foster Child

Besides Christmas, I think the day the kids go back-to-school is one of the happiest days of the year. But, hey, that's probably just me. It can also be one of the most stressful times of the year. That's why I dug around About.com and found some resources that I hope you all find useful.

Find articles from our guide to Parenting Special Needs along with resources from our Child Care Guide. Once added together -- Poof, a great back-to-school resource to alleviate some of the back-to-school stresses is born.

A little collaboration is a good thing; one can get the best of many different worlds.

A recent email caused me to stop and think about the many opportunities I have had since being a Guide for this Adoption & Foster Care site. I've met many people through the forums here on About Adoption & Foster Care and through blogging. I have been able to interview famous people and an Olympic athlete. Through these opportunities and others, my insight and view of adoption has grown and changed. I've also been given the opportunity to show all sides of adoption.

The email that I mentioned earlier represents another side of a very well-known and tragic adoption story, the death of little Nina Hilt. The email was from her adoptive father, Christopher Hilt.

Nina, adopted from Russia, was brutally beaten to death by her adoptive mother, Peggy Hilt, in 2003. Peggy Hilt was given 25 years in prison for the murder.

Mr. Hilt wants people to see Nina the way he and his oldest daughter remember her and not for the story shared by the media and his ex-wife. He shared that she deserves to be remembered in a more honorable way.

After all the space and time given to the grisly details, I think this request is more than worth space here. Check out the Web site created by Christopher Hilt and his oldest daughter, Nataliya.

Take a moment to remember Nina.

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Suggested Reading:
Peggy Hilt Given 25 Years
Peggy Hilt Interviewed on Women Behind Bars
Preparing to Parent the Adopted Child
Internationally Adopted Children Sometimes Suffer Same Challenges as US Children
Russian Murder Cases

Earlier today I was talking with a friend of mine who is frustrated by family and friends asking personal questions about her newly adopted daughter.

Where did she get those brown eyes, from her birth father?
She's very long legged. Was her birth mom tall?

My friend asked me how she should answer these type of questions in a way that lets people know that the discussion is not welcome.

Well, I'm really not sure how to handle it when it comes to adults asking such questions, but I do have some ideas on how kids can handle this issue in school. I'm a firm believer in the use of cover stories to stall the bullies and otherwise just plain nosy kids.

Get some ideas with your cover stories with "Teaching Foster/Adoptive Children How to Respond to Common Questions".

If you have any other ideas that have worked with your foster or adopted children please share in the comments section of the blog.

And if you have any ideas for my friend - please click "comments" and share.
How have you handled the busy bodies?

On July 7th I blogged about an upcoming show on MTV, a part of their True Life drama series, I'm Placing my Baby for Adoption!. I was more than a little concerned and I had a ton of questions.

I don't know why, but I'm always surprised when I get an email or a comment that indicates that someone actually reads my blog! Well, I got an email from production assistant, Morgan Robinson. He is helping to cast this MTV documentary. I was very excited for the opportunity to ask my questions and I have to be honest, I feel a bit better about this show. Here is what I learned:

• The Show - MTV True Life is an award winning documentary series on MTV that has been around for a decade. They cover young people dealing with a variety of issues - some frivolous, some deep.

• The Format - The episode dealing with adoption will follow two to four young people and cover their lives and choices. It's the expectant mother's story in her voice, no expert interviews or narrators. The subjects are followed by a very small crew of one to three people and one camera. The goal is for the crew to melt into the woodwork. They shoot for two to three days around key issues, like a doctor's appointment or meeting with an adoption agency.

• The Expectant Mothers - In general, MTV comes up with a topic and then does an outreach to organizations and individuals who may be interested or know who would be interested in telling their story on camera. Planned Parenthood, Birthmom Buds, Adoptions from the Heart, Catholic Charities, The National Council for Adoption were among some the organizations contacted regarding this adoption episode. Interested expectant mothers call in and do an intake, answering key questions. All questionnaires are collected and the producers pick the ones they feel address the main issues of adoption and placing a child for adoption. The producers choose from among those who want to tell their story and will allow their story to be followed on film. Releases are also signed by those who interact with the young, expectant mother so that they too can appear on camera and share their feelings, if they so desire.

• Scope of Story - Robinson shared that MTV does not influence the outcome of the True Life documentary series in any way. He stated to do so would be against the ethics of the show and of journalism. The expectant mother is not compensated for her time in the documentary.

  The expectant mother calls the shots. If she doesn't want the birth filmed, then it's not filmed. MTV wants to see as much of the story as the young woman allows. They hope to show part of the pregnancy, birth, placing or parenting, and follow-up after the decision is made. Robinson shared that they would like to show what Juno left out; what happened after.

• Birth Fathers - If birth fathers are a part of the process and life of the expectant mother, MTV would love to film with them. Again, they are not painting this picture, it's whatever the story happens to be for that expectant mom.

Robinson stated that if previous episodes of MTV True Life are watched it should be clear that MTV tries to be as unbiased as possible. He feels that some viewers may stereotype and those are based on that viewer's life experience, MTV just wants to accurately represent the topic.

The episode is set to air in December or January and will be an hour long program. I'm very interested in seeing how adoption is represented in the final product.

So, does this information change your feelings regarding this episode? Click "comments" below and share.

A recent study, out just this past Thursday, by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Center on Health Statistics, brought up some interesting data on men and adoption. Are you ready for this one? According to 2002 statistics from the National Survey of Family Growth, men ages 18 to 44 are more than twice as likely as women in the same age group to have adopted a child. Really? The stats show that 1.2 million men and 613,000 women had adopted children.

This one really got me thinking. Why? The only reason that the report could possibly point to is that men are more apt to marry and adopt their spouse's children from a previous relationship.

That does make more sense, because most men I meet in foster and adoption classes seem like they are dragged there by their spouses. Not always. But sometimes.

The report goes on to state that about 100,000 never-married women and 73,000 never-married men had adopted a child. The statistic that I found most interesting: Hispanic and non-Hispanic black women were more likely to be seeking to adopt than non-Hispanic white women.

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Suggested Reading:

• Steps to a Step Parent Adoption
• Single Parent Adoption and Women

Can you believe it? It's time to think about school supplies and new shoes. It seems like the kids just got out on summer break and now in a couple of days - at least for my kids - they'll be headed back to school. We've had a busy summer. I can't believe that my baby will be in 6th grade this year. Middle School. She's too little for that, right?

I've already done the enrollment thing and gone shopping. So, I think we're set as school is starting on Wednesday. What will I do with my days? I can think of a BUNCH of things; read, blog, nap, surf the Internet. Not necessarily in that order.

Sometimes it's easy to feel overwhelmed with the idea of enrollment - especially if you've never enrolled a child in school. Print out a copy of the following and plan ahead for a wonderful new school year.

So, are you reading to send them off to school?

• 10 Things to Do Before Sending a Foster/Adopted Child Back-to-School
• Back-to-School Paperwork Checklist