My husband and I have been very fortunate to have supportive family members in our decision to foster and then later to adopt. This is especially true when it comes to our parents. They have been awesome grandparents to all of our foster, adoptive and birth children. This Sunday, September 7th, marks the 30th anniversary of Grandparent’s Day, a day to celebrate and honor the grandparents in our lives. With this in mind I have created several tips and ideas for other grandparents who may struggle with knowing how to be a grandparent to a foster or adopted child. This can be especially difficult for those grandparents who don’t agree with their child’s decision to become a foster and/or adoptive parent in the first place.

If you are a grandparent, what helped you in your relationship with the foster children in your life? Please share in the comments section of the blog.

• 10 Ways for a Grandparent to Welcome a Foster Child into the Family
• 15 Ways to Be a Grandparent to a Foster or Newly Adopted Child
• How to Support Your Child as a Foster Parent
• Adoption and Grandparents - How One Grandma Tries to Create a Connection

My daughter has a good friend named Caleb. He has been around our family for the past several years. A couple of years he started making observations about our family. He told my daughter on several occasions that she doesn't have any "real" brothers because hers are all adopted. I also heard these comments and asked him if since the boys aren't real, then am I their fake mom. He said, "Well, yeah. Kinda."

I didn't know how to address this with him. I then received What is Adoption? for review. I allowed Caleb to read it and asked him for his own quick review.

After spending several minutes reading, he brought the book back to my desk. "Caleb," I asked. "Has this book changed your mind and feelings on what a real family is and that Jordan's brothers are her brothers?"

His eyes widened, he nodded his head, and simply said, "Yeah."

He then handed me a note with his review that read:

"A great book to learn about friends who are adopted."

How can I give a stronger, more positive review than that?

_{Cover Art for What is Adoption? Helping non-adopted children understand adoption courtesy of Wisdom Press.}

It's amazing, what I remember. I remember most of my past foster children's birthdays, if not the absolute dates, the correct month. I just have a sense for dates and events. Probably why I enjoyed history classes in school. (I totally rocked Lost Civilizations class in college. Love. It.) So, it's no wonder that I also remember when I first met Pam.

I think I remember things, because I document almost every major event in my journal.

"Yesterday, August 28, 1995, I met my sister Pam for the first time. My first thought as she stood outside the door is that she is beautiful."

I may not remember the date of this event consciously, but somewhere inside, it is still there and my body reminds me. I often wonder how I'd be different today if I had a big sister, instead of being the big sister. Isn't that something some of us affected by adoption wonder?

Click "comments" below and share things you wonder about when you consider adoption and it's impact on your life and family.

Our first meeting that August evening in 1995, Chrissy, Charla, Pam, & Carrie.
Photo © Carrie Craft

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Suggested Reading:
Developmental Grieving - a definition
Adoption Reunion and the Adoptive Family
Before You Enter Into an Adoption Reunion for Birth Parents
Before You Enter Into an Adoption Reunion for the Adoptee
Before You Help Your Child Enter Into an Adoption Reunion for Adoptive Parents

My sons came to our foster home eight years ago today. We had no idea at that time how they were going to forever change our lives. We were just foster parents who answered the phone and accepted two kids, who needed a home. Our oldest son joined our home three months later.

One of the issues that we may need to watch for as foster and adoptive parents is developmental grieving or grief that is triggered by anniversaries. The year mark of Hurricane Katrina, which is coming up, may trigger reactions of grief in many people including young children. A child may not remember the events of that day but some where in his body he remembers the trauma of the Hurricane and having to be temporarily or permanently uprooted.

It is the same for our foster or adopted children. We may see behaviors on the anniversary of the move into state's custody, other traumatic events in the child's life, birthdays, or holidays. I wonder if this is why my youngest son, who is also the most sensitive, was a bit on edge with me tonight? It is something to think about.

To help the child cope try a few of these 8 ideas.

What have your done to help a child grieve? Click "comments" below and share your ideas.

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Suggested Reading:
Steps to Understanding Grief and Loss in Children
Top 10 Questions to Ask When Called to take a Foster Child